Dialogue

i mean, look at us.

... We wouldn't be here without her.

yeah.

... we'll stop being "dangerous" when we can successfully stay comfortable in our individualism.

we need to create... keep creating... even if the foundation was supposed to be "her".

it never actually was, in the first place. it was always us... don't give away that credit.

5-year plan. save up, move out, room with strangers, medication that addresses our cyclothymia.

I thought we were supposed to let go of the self-diagnosis'?

oh, but look at us. we experienced a genuine high episode for months, which we altered ourselves beyond recognition. and now, when we're settling, look at us.

"welcome back to earth, space cadets." back to our standard low. don't let her control our perception of ourselves. self diagnosis was one of our biggest personality traits. the ethics of it really just depend on the individual. as long as you trust the professional you start working with, what's the issue?

"you seem to want to act more mentally ill than you really are." think about how hilarious it'd be when she'd realize that in trying to deny our internal issues, it made us sooo much worse. even the literate, talented, educated, and accomplished, can still be naive.

... I hope she finds herself soon...

hope all you want. it may never happen, is the part that's making us sad.

we made her worse, and it's our fault.

...

and she didn't even think we were autistic! she has to know it's like a whole spectrum right? we're definitely low-functioning, high-comprehending. that's how we got along so well! the fact that she might see us purely as a seriously mentally ill allistic now, which doesn't help, at all.

if anything, she might be dual high-comphrehending, high-funtioning. it would explain why she used to search for answers for feeling different.

...

... She chose not to see us...

...

... finding meaning in the widespread doesn't make you superb. it makes you mainstream. only engaging with the products of hollywood and it's fans still causes an echo-chamber. what about the independent artists like herself? what about her own voice?

... I wish I pushed her more towards her personal stories...

she might hate herself. being afraid of making something "low quality". cementing counterproductive ideals, chastising "wokespeak" through kiwifarms. being afraid to simply exist in her body, through exercise or walking.

her quality of life might not be the best.

I... hope she finds herself.

...

Being myself in front of her during our fights was one of the best things ever. I just wish she realized i was getting desperate to convey something i couldn't, or had already, expressed. I was worried about her, and her wellbeing.

She saw us though some of the worst moments of our life within the past 6 months. Almost dying, a psychotic break (almost dying again), and pushing her away because we had become obsessed. It's horrible. Is there really no way she could have stayed?

I just want to be seen.