reduced to sending you literal screencaps of song lyrics becase uhh. uhh. i'm not great at voicing my feelings, i'm better at speaking through the words of others.
anyways my meds are adjusting nicely, ill be hitting the 2 month mark next week. i kinda curse myself for having sent so many messages at once that night because i cant make any solid assumption of why you're ghosting me (or have me blocked) right now. is it because you think ill spiral? is it because you're scared im crazy? is it because you thought i was just saying all of that to hurt you? is it because you plainly just trusted me?
because you like me? or because you don't like me? i've thought about what you've said to me, "why do you always act like im two steps ahead" because preparing for every outcome helped me not have autistic meltdowns, and now its just a habit. or, maybe just something that brought me fun and joy. remember when we had that roblox club penguin card-jitsu phase and i lowkey kept whooping you. That's where it all started. my psychologist literally caught onto me having a habit of assuming, and since, i've actively started nipping some buds of the habit
I also thought about "i think you want someone who wants to learn." i just cant believe that doesn't include you. i think you just unintentionally internalized that im inherently an emotional terrorist just because i said so, and stopped taking everything i said to heart. im sorry i said that. i wasn't thinking about how your favorite book is about a guy who become the biggest victim of terrorism just because he was intentionally trying not to see it (i think?) not trying to be condescending at all, i hope you see us as something unrelated to hollywood and late stage capatalism and a fictional man
... we are just two people, and I love you (both as a best friend and more). i just couldn't commit because thinking you didn't really love me in that light was already breaking my heart. it's why knowing if you liked girls is such a big deal to me. i realize you just needed time to settle in. four days isn't really enough for that, i admit. but i tried dating someone irl, i tried crushing on another childhood friend, i tried to get into e-dating some random stranger i'd just met. I just couldn't do any of them. none of them we're going to be you.
i think about how you seemed to get offended when i(?) brought up "desperation" and you had said something like, "desperation... not this again." I think i've been trying to prove to you this entire time that it's not desperation. but to prove it, it had to first be false.
so, here I am. not desperate, but still wanting.
what do you think of me?
what do you want?